Told you so...

I don't even know why the fuck I try.
This will NEVER happen and things will never be good to me in these aspects. WHY do I even try???? Gosh, Mari, didn't life show you enough hints that you'll be alone forever???
Now I just need time to come back to normal, to completely forget.
I can do it. I've already done it a gazillion times. It's not that difficult for me. It's actually quite simple.
The only problem is the fake smiles I have to give while I'm in this process... Because it hurts, hurts a lot.

But I already suffered so much with this, I can do it again. And again and again.

After this, I'll for sure be blind and invisible. I'll never open my eyes for love again and no one will notice me. NO ONE. Cuz I'll be the best of the best in being invisible!

I promisse I won't love again.

I should give up

I'm coming here more times that I've ever planed to come. And this is not good, because when I come here is because my emotional part is not good. Or that my panic attacks are back. Or that I'm depressed again.

Today I'm here just to state to all of you that I'm not normal. Not in a single way. And that I'm hell anxious and that I can't sleep properly for a week or more.
Tomorrow I'm gonna have the answer that's gonna decide whether this is a good thing or not.

I'm afraid of the answer, because life thaught me that I'm never gonna have someone by my side. And that this love thing is not for me. That no one will never be able to love me.
So, that's why I'm almost 100% sure the answer is a big fat no.

If the answer is yes, then I'll be proved wrong. And this year is gonna make history in my life. And maybe, just maybe I'm too dramatic.

But it's obvious that the answer is a big fat NO! I bet it is.

Agosto

Dizem que esse é o mês do desgosto, e olha... Nos seus lindos 13 dias já quis me foder legal.
Já não basta deixar o meu emocional completamente desestabilizado, agora me vem com essa.

Eu juro que isso que pode acontecer era a última coisa que eu queria que acontecesse nesse ano. Ou pelo menos agora. Sério, eu realmente não queria. E nem é pelo dinheiro, e sim por tudo.

Se o pior vir a acontecer, eu juro que desabo de chorar na hora que souber da notícia.

Se vendo todo dia já estava difícil, agora vai ficar ainda mais. E tudo o que eu construí nesses últimos 4 meses, vai tudo por água abaixo.

E eu não quero.

Isso não pode acontecer. De verdade. D:

AND I'M AN IDIOT

Like... REALLY?? REALLY MARI. REALLY????? Like... What the fuck do you want? A charming prince whos gonna say he loves you more than anything in this world, that saw you and loved you the first time he saw you? LIKE... REALLY??? C'MOM GIRL! COME TO REALLITY NOW~

SO... IF YOU WANT THIS FUCK SHIT WORK, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. STOP BEING AN ASSWHOLE.

-

Now, coming back to myself.
I just can't.
I'm just too trouble to try.
I'm just too shy to try.
I just hate myself that much that I don't allow nobody to like me. NO I DON'T ALLOW THEM TO LIKE ME.
As I said in the last post.
AND I HATE THIS FEELING.
I REALLY HOPE I HAD NEVER FALLEN IN LOVE. It'd be so much better... Like... Really.

I should just GIVE UP ALREADY. I'm suffering each day more. AND... DAMN...

I'm not normal. I'm not flucking normal.