Sad

I'm sad. Gosh how I'm sad.
Just to look at the mirror I get sad. I really hate what I see.
I know some people say that it's not the best, that when you don't love yourself, no one will.
But, for God's sake, who are we trying to fool? No one never will anyway.
I have this fixed on my mind, so it's already set up. No one will. And I'm fine with that.

I thought it would get better. And it is, slowly. But it's too slow for my likely.
I still have those panic attacks. Not like before, but I feel I can't be completely happy with this.
I feel I can't make my dreams completely come true this way.
I'm trying to stop with this damn pill, but I can't.

Yesterday I had one of this. I had to get out of the movie I was watching because I felt my heart pounding like crazy.
Again!
I hate this feeling. The feeling I'm stuck to my past. That I'll never be normal to do what I want.
You may ask what I want.
I want to be free of this nightmare. I want just wake up in a morning and don't fear a thing.
Don't feel this panic that can come back at any minute.

I wanna be a dancer. I always wanted. I wanna travel abroad. I always wanted.
I wanna travel by myself, but HOW CAN I?
I can't barely watch a fucking movie at the movie theater and don't have a panic attack out of the blue.
HOW CAN I?

The only hope I have for now is music. THAT'S WHY they are so important to me. That's why I love them so much, THAT'S WHY I love him so much.
They give me strength when I need the most and NO ONE is there for me. Because friends are there only in good times.
That's why 2013 is been a year that I'LL NEVER forget, because when times like this comes, I have some memories to hold on. I have some days I can see that EVERY THING is possible.

But today not even this is holding me up as I cry myself to sleep.

Maybe one day I can be free. Maybe one day I can be happy and do whatever I like the way I like without any panic attack following me up.
Maybe one day I'll love myself, so someone can love me back. The way I am.
Ugly and all. Fat and all. With spots on my face and all. With panic and all.

I can dream, can't I?