Well

Well, well. Something gotta go wrong this year. Like... WAE did I have to fall in love?! NOW I'M GONNA SUFFER AND SUFFER AND SUFFER AND SUFFER (add some more here) and nothing's gonna work.

Or 2013 is so so so crazy that it's gonna work this time?!

No, this lovey couple thing is not for me. As I said in the last text I wrote: I'll be forever alone. No one will NEVER like me.

So I think I just had to do the same thing and stop loving people.

It'll never work, anyway.

Sad

I'm sad. Gosh how I'm sad.
Just to look at the mirror I get sad. I really hate what I see.
I know some people say that it's not the best, that when you don't love yourself, no one will.
But, for God's sake, who are we trying to fool? No one never will anyway.
I have this fixed on my mind, so it's already set up. No one will. And I'm fine with that.

I thought it would get better. And it is, slowly. But it's too slow for my likely.
I still have those panic attacks. Not like before, but I feel I can't be completely happy with this.
I feel I can't make my dreams completely come true this way.
I'm trying to stop with this damn pill, but I can't.

Yesterday I had one of this. I had to get out of the movie I was watching because I felt my heart pounding like crazy.
Again!
I hate this feeling. The feeling I'm stuck to my past. That I'll never be normal to do what I want.
You may ask what I want.
I want to be free of this nightmare. I want just wake up in a morning and don't fear a thing.
Don't feel this panic that can come back at any minute.

I wanna be a dancer. I always wanted. I wanna travel abroad. I always wanted.
I wanna travel by myself, but HOW CAN I?
I can't barely watch a fucking movie at the movie theater and don't have a panic attack out of the blue.
HOW CAN I?

The only hope I have for now is music. THAT'S WHY they are so important to me. That's why I love them so much, THAT'S WHY I love him so much.
They give me strength when I need the most and NO ONE is there for me. Because friends are there only in good times.
That's why 2013 is been a year that I'LL NEVER forget, because when times like this comes, I have some memories to hold on. I have some days I can see that EVERY THING is possible.

But today not even this is holding me up as I cry myself to sleep.

Maybe one day I can be free. Maybe one day I can be happy and do whatever I like the way I like without any panic attack following me up.
Maybe one day I'll love myself, so someone can love me back. The way I am.
Ugly and all. Fat and all. With spots on my face and all. With panic and all.

I can dream, can't I?

I had a drem

Yes, I had a dream... 3 days ago. And the dream was so so so real, that when I woke up I felt like somebody really hugged me.

And the feeling was so good, so real, so warm that the happiness from that hug got me completely warm. 

And I woke up smiling. 

Gosh, how I want that hug. It comes tears to my eyes every time I think about it. About him. About that hug. 

It was so real that hurts.

The first step was given. I've already seen him live, in front of me. 

Now, I just need that hug.